Feeling lost & empty

It's currently 2:21am. I tried to sleep around 1:00am, but rolled around in bed restlessly. I ended up turning on my phone, browsing YouTube, and watching a few videos before I turned off my phone and got out my journal. Not sure what it is about today, but I randomly started to question everything in life again - from my purpose, direction, lifestyle, and priorities. What do I even want in this life, how do I get there, and who do I even want to become?

I don't know why, but I always have these phases from time to time. Maybe it's because I don't have a set routine or schedule in my life. That's one of the things that I've been struggling with the most ever since graduation. The construct of time and just managing/balancing everything that I want and need to do in order to build the lifestyle that I want. It's been two years since I graduated now, but why do I feel like I haven't made much progress? Maybe I just haven't experimented enough with what works or doesn't work, or maybe I just haven't been tracking or analyzing the process well enough to know.

Lately, I've really been trying to build a morning routine. Last week, I randomly woke up at 7:00am and it felt so good to be awake in the early morning. The calmness and stillness of the world made me feel at peace. It was almost like I was living in a different world, and all that mattered was the present moment. I put on my AirPods, and just enjoyed the music as I got ready. I felt energized, and ready to take on the day. While the rest of the world was sleeping, it was like I was getting a head start. It felt amazing - to be able to do so many things, and still have an entire day ahead to accomplish even more.

I really want to implement a morning routine so I can feel that head start and positive energy every single day. I want to start my day off on a good note, and not feel groggy or restless. I'm not very happy with where I am right now in life. I have a terrible time balancing everything I want to do, and tend to neglect my health a lot too. Right now, I feel like I'm consumed with work and unable to differentiate between my work and personal life because my hobbies are my "job." Everything that I enjoy doing is technically what I do for work, so my brain is non-stop thinking about work. I become easily stressed when I don't get work done, and constantly feel like I'm not doing enough or that I'm not good enough. I have no clue where this negative mentality stemmed from, but it's been a struggle for a long time. Why do I keep beating myself up when in reality, I'm doing just fine? I am doing more than enough. I am always thinking and working to the point where I become lost entirely.

I journal often to re-centre myself. Even now, while writing this.. I feel very embarrassed and ashamed of myself for not having my life figured out. I feel like I'm getting older (I mean I am...), but I'm still as lost as I was before. What kind of clarity have I gained since the last time I felt lost? It's like I'm constantly in this cycle where I work extremely hard, and then instead of celebrating the success and moving forward with motivation... I suddenly feel unhappy. I don't know. What really makes me feel fulfilled?

I'm sure it includes a multitude of different life aspects, but I'm just having trouble balancing my time and energy with everything. Sigh, anyway. I'll be okay. This happens frequently, but I'll bounce back from it. It's almost 3:00am now. I'm going to try sleeping again. Goodnight, sleep well!

P.S. Randomly decided to journal this on my blog. Not sure if it's a bit too public, but tbh I've never really minded being open with my thoughts and feelings because we're all human. I'm sure we all go through the same emotions, and there's comfort in knowing that we're not alone. My problems and situations may be different from yours, but in the end, we all just want to be happy. Wishing you all the best of luck in your journey too. Life can be complicated sometimes, but also very simple haha. Maybe I just have a problem with overthinking everything when in reality, I should just slow down and appreciate every little thing in my life. I know that finding gratitude in everything will turn the "ordinary" to "extraordinary," but y'know... there's just times where you just feel lost haha. I guess it's normal and a part of life. Everything will be okay! Now time to stop thinking and sleep. Hoping my brain will shut off and just give me a break haha. Goodnight for real!

P.P.S. My leg just fell asleep.. fff LOL I hate that feeling. It's paralyzing and I feel out of control with my body. Trying my best to not move lmao derp



  1. August 19, 2020 / 6:34 am

    Aww I totally understand. I’m only 19 but I too question my purpose and direction in life quite often. Sometimes, when I can’t go to sleep, I lie in bed deep in thought about about how in the world I’m supposed to balance work and fulfillment. What helps me is working on a grand side project. It adds structure to your life, and it’s a wonderful way to meet interesting people doing similar things. It seems like you already have that down since you have a YouTube channel, Twitch stream, and blog going on. If you ever question the impact you’re having on the world, just know that I think you’re one of the most genuine and authentic personalities on YouTube. I can’t say I’ve watched many of your videos, but every now and then I’ll come back to your channel and find myself at home. I can relate to a lot of what you say, and I always look forward to seeing where your next video takes you. Keep lookin’ up!

    P.S. I LOLed at your paralyzed leg derp

    • October 13, 2020 / 6:43 pm

      Hey Richard! Aww thanks so much for taking the time to write me this comment and send me words of encouragement! I really appreciate it, especially when you talked about how my content feels like home to you. It definitely gives me some reassurance and motivation to continue keep on going! I’m doing my best to stay busy as well during my lost state haha. Let’s both keep exploring and doing our best! Hope you continue to stay safe and wishing you happiness in everything that you do! ^_^

      LOL I hate when my leg falls asleep hahah xD

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